Years later, I don't know how but things seemed improved, only till I graduated high school. But I had such a strong urge of guilt I got hit by a truck, hoping it would had ended me. Later down the road she had told me getting raped in the woods because she thought it was me, I felt guilty because I had lied and created a "online persona of myself" which I later removed the veil of that.
The threats hurt and it furthers me just saying why should I live? Also this person was states away, it was a internet relationship formed when we both 10/11 years old fucking via gaiaonline. _ it really hurt, being told to grow up, to get away and never contact her or her family again. I regret not taking college seriously, I regret not sharing that relationship and all this emotional vomiting I've done to her. I spent so much time smoking weed, running away from things in life and not living on my own. I'm 27 now, but I look at all the wasted time gaming, masturbating to porn, spending stupid money on cam girls because I was hurt/lonely by this person. I just have an underlying urge to die, my pessimistic thoughts have won in stopping me from living life. I don't see myself as adult, I don't see myself as a creative anymore.
I've became a frenemy, spiteful, jealous, ungrateful towards my friends. Unable to find what it is I want to pursue in life, unable to feel genuine about connections with people. All because of my frustrations at this relationship, all because of my frustrations at doing the same mental emotional vomiting over and over again. I spent the last 8 years slowly devolving, become "incel" as the internet folk state it. All I do is just give to others in that outlook but when I look at myself I am ashamed. I can't feel positive/direct positivity towards myself. Never completed college, never followed my own intuition, lost in the idea's of my own wants. I became just like my older brother in this relationship, I shadowed him in life yet pathetically. But I kept repeating, kept being stuck in the past, unable to present a future/present with her. I get that it's alot of my own mental issue, this women tried for years to work through it with me. I feel constantly angry, irritated at my loved ones, unable to empathize or even direct an outwardly emotions of understanding. My continue frustration at my regret of not living life with this women whom I known for 17 years has driven the final nail in my thoughts. Last night I had mental collapse, I let a relationship tear me asunder and somehow became the "stalker/creep/pathetic" guy. I've become a broken recorder, blinded to the truth of reality.
BROKEN RECORDER 2 HOW TO
I don't know how to begin this, where it began or why.